How to make your lame horse even lamer: a step-by-step guide

Step one: start thinking about how your horse has really been doing well the past few months. Schedule vet for spring shots and Coggins so you can join the trail club, and since you’ve been hearing vet give the spiel about the new Osphos, decide to give that a whirl as well. It’s a helluva lot cheaper than Tildren, woohoo.

Step two: Ride horse morning of vet appointment. After she dumps you for the first time in years because she insists on cantering up a hill and it was SO EXCITING MOM I CAN’T HANDLE IT buck buck buck, consider that maybe her blowing through the super-duper-mild baucher maybe isn’t the best strategy for over-energized horse.

Who, me? Would I do such a thing?

Who, me? Would I do such a thing?

Step three: Have vet watch horse go on the lunge line. Vet confirms that she still takes some off steps, but looks really good, considering.

Step four: Spend hours scouring the interwebs for bits. Settle on a happy mouth mullen mouth pelham– the perfect blend of the stability of the baucher and the curb action of the hackamore. Order a new bridle for the hell of it, because you’re too lazy to swap out bits all the time, and anyways, you’re working 50 hours a week and you’re allowed to buy something nice for yourself/your horse just for fun.

Step five: Start planning awesome combination birthday ride, because your birthday is the 17 and your horse’s birthday is the 19, so basically you were made to be together. Maybe you’ll let horse canter which tends to turn into hand gallop in the big field because she loves it so. Hope the bit and bridle come in time– bit is coming from the UK because apparently that’s the only place they make 6-inch bits.

Step six: Give horse first bath of the season. Admire her running around the field looking all cute and fancy, and think that she’s going to look pretty awesome in birthday pictures.




Step seven: Show up to barn on Tuesday. Watch your horse trot up to the gate when she sees your car pull in (awww) and your heart drops when you see that she’s headbobbing lame on a straight line. Like, pre-Tildren lame. Maybe she ran too hard on the weekend and will feel better in a couple days hahaha as if we’d be that lucky. Wrap legs ’cause it makes you feel better even though you know it’s her feet and there’s really nothing you can do.

Step eight: Bridle has arrived and is suitably oiled and conditioned. Bit is installed. Try bridle on horse on Saturday. Admire how your horse looks super swanky and basically like she just stepped out of the jumper ring, freshly banged tail and all.

that golden-hour light

that golden-hour light

Step nine: Pop horse on lunge line to see what we have.

Happy fucking birthday to us.

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2 Responses to How to make your lame horse even lamer: a step-by-step guide

  1. I’m sorry about the lameness, but I have to confess the title of your post was quirky/funny. And congrats on the pretty new bridle.

  2. Hugs. Management is so hard.

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